I’m sure by now most of us have heard the most recent ridiculousness from Niklas Bendtner, the famed über-confident (read as arrogant), once-upon-a-time highly touted striker for now former club, Arsenal. Bendtner’s often seemingly comedic, over-the-top wage demands and contract negotiations are the stuff of infamy now. With that in mind, the Two Daft Yanks’ secret spy ninjas have obtained a list of contract demands that it would take for Niklas Bendtner to sign for your club:
1. A daily supply of Cuban cigars is to be delivered post-match in the player’s lounge to Master Bendtner by velvet draped Shetland ponies.
2. Said cigars are to be prepped and lit by the current reigning Miss Universe contestant of country of which football club employing Master Bendtner resides.
3. Any therapeutic or recovery whirlpool sessions are to be only done in apparatii filled with champagne or cognac. Fine brandy may be substituted and used provided 48 hours notice is given to Master Bendtner on lack of availablity to prior two options.
4. A contract clause which shall trigger the option to be cast as the next James Bond upon Master Bendtner scoring his next goal. Clause shall also contain subclause to allow option for Master Bendtner to collect royalties for Bond character without actually appearing as James Bond in any film or promotional appearance.
5. Any living nobility or royalty in country of employing club shall provide Master Bendtner access and inspection of any breeding age females for Master Bendtner’s dating pleasure.
6. Master Bendtner shall only be addressed as “Master Bendtner,” and only by those who make more money than him. As this is likely only to be the chairman or board member(s) of employing club, all other club staff shall only be allowed access to Master Bendtner on Twitter.
7. All of a given country’s internet access of employing club shall be given to Master Bendtner Enterprises as only clips of Master Bendtner’s exploits and massive selfie library shall be allowed consumption by adoring populace.
8. Finally, each Friday before matches shall be referred to henceforth as “Sexy Go Day” and Master Bendtner shall be excused from any club activity- be it playing, training or promotional- so Master Bendtner can have many sexy rendevouses with adoring females.
So, there ya have it. Quite the demands and you can see why so many clubs have backed off of the pursuit of Niklas Bendtner or why negotiations have thus far always collapsed on permanent moves from Arsenal and now that the striker is a free agent. Maybe just only ask for petting zoo ponies, Nik,er, I mean Master Bendtner?
See you all next Sexy Go Day!