It’s Quarterfinal time in the FA Cup & that means the heat gets turned up on the remaining clubs. Good thing about that, that means nuggetz nice and crispy! Hopefully these nuggetz are so crispy & delicious, it’ll make a vegan switch teams! Not that there’s anything wrong with being vegan… means more delicious carcasses for me!
Arsenal v Everton
The glamour tie of the round (historically speaking) pits the trophyless wonders known as Arsenal and Everton. If you listen close, or not at all actually, you’ll hear little annoying parakeet fans prattle on about “Arsenal hasn’t won a trophy in x years! Herpaderp!” This is especially amusing when it comes from clubs who also haven’t won a trophy in a generation or haven’t won the league in an age. Everton hasn’t won a trophy in seventeen years. Bet you didn’t know that. Especially if you’re a little parakeet who needs the regurgitated sustenance of media memes like “Arsenal hasn’t won trophies in x years!”
In tomorrow’s match I’m hoping the blues of Everton mistake the Arsenal red for Liverpool’s red and capitulate at the Emirates like they did at Anfield in a recent 4-0 loss. Obviously everybody remembers that Arsenal also got walloped at Anfield recently (5-1), so I guess this game’s winner will win the Liverpool Is Less My Daddy Than The Other Guy Cup. It’s like a trophy! Open top bus parades for all! Huzzah!
How much you wanna bet if Arsenal wins this match they get drawn with Man €iteh in the semis. Book it.
Woolwich Arsenal 2, St. Domingo’s FC 1
Sheffield United v Charlton Athletic
Charlton’s victory over Sheffield Wednesday in the prior round deprived us all of a Quarterfinal Sheffield Derby. The Sheffield Derby is traditionally one of the most hotly contested derbies in all of England. Alas, we have Sheffield United facing Charlton Athletic. The only thing I know about Sheffield Untied these days are TalkShite’s Darren Gough is a bit of supporter of them. Unfortunately for Sheffield United, Goughie recently did an Olivier Giroud impersonation having an affair. Not sure what that has to do with this match but as it says in Proverbs 1,435:436, “Ye, I say unto you, verily, if a man needs to score outside of his marriage, his supported club must not be scoring on the pitch. Also, the Lord commandeth, do not lie with Chelsea supporters for they are unclean.”
Despite that, I’m not religious…
Sheffield United 3, Charlton Athletic 1
Hull City v Sunderland
Sunderland gave a very good effort in their recent League Cup final (I refuse to call cups by their sponsor names) but came up short to the might of the UAE Oil Select XI. Hull City seems to be rounding into patches of form with their new strike partnership of Shane Long & Nikola Jelavic. Gus Poyet will no doubt want a win lest he be naished to his own personal Hull of having to concentrate on saving Sunderland from relegation. As much as I call MLS backers, MLS Bots, I freely admit I’m a Jozy Altidore Bot. Goalzy was left out of the League Cup final squad, however, because no doubt Gus Poyet is a secret MLSIA (it’s like the CIA except they work for the MLS and are stupid) agent and his benching was a diabolical plot to mind#$ck Jozy into thinking he should go back to the MLS. Fight the mind control waves, Jozy! Fight ‘em!
In other news, Steve Bruce, looks like a Fat Jay Leno. Thanks, Chad.
Sunderland Special Cup Ops 2, Hull City Tonight Show With Fat Jay Leno 0
Manchester City v Wigan Athletic
They say lightning doesn’t strike the same spot twice. Unfortunately for Mansour City supporters for that saying to be accurate their match with Wigan would have to take place in Wembley. So, theoretically speaking, Wigan can upset UAE Oil XI again. Don’t argue with me, it’s science. Unfortunately for scientists everywhere, Man €iteh’s riches are so vast they recently bought all the lightning and are keeping it under wraps in a special quantum containment unit until this match is over. Also, they bought some refs recently too. Hey, they’ll argue ref’s wages don’t count against FFP, so they didn’t do anything wrong. What kind of odds do you think I can get from Ladsbroke’s for “Man City benefits from dodgy linesman decision to score goal and win 4-1?”
UAE Linesman Affinity Club 4, Wigan Lightning Club 1