Category - MLS

Talking Tottenham With Seb Stafford-Bloor

The Two Daft Yanks are happy to welcome Seb Stafford-Bloor to the show to talk Tottenham Hotspur as they arrive in the US to take on the MLS All-Stars. Stafford-Bloor is a freelance football writer who can be found on Squawka.com and is a co-host on the Rule The Roost podcast. We hope you will enjoy the insight he has to offer. On this week’s episode:

  • Spurs preseason so far
  • Have Tottenham’s defensive in-comings improved the squad?
  • Thoughts on MLS and the All-Star game
  • Deandre Yedlin
  • Spurs new stadium
  • Bonus Link: TehTrunk YouTube Channel 
  • And More!

Listen to/download the podcast below or listen on your mobile device via StitcherTuneIn or iTunes

TDY: Talking Tottenham

 

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Email this to someone

Two Daft Yanks/LowLimit Futbol Special

With Corey on loan to Jazz fest, the boys from @LowLimitFutbol joined the show for the NYRB vs LA Galaxy match. We talked MLS, CCL and discussed some English league financial issues during the show.

Due to the live nature of the show there were some sound Gremlins but it should still be very enjoyable, give it a listen!

Listen to/download the podcast below or listen on your mobile device via StitcherTuneIn or iTunes

Live Two Daft Yanks/LowLimit Futbol Special 2

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Email this to someone

Well, That Was A Quick MLS Strike

Greetings again, proletariat and losers. It’s your new, favorite big-shot lawyer, Griff Cheatum again. I didn’t think I’d be back this soon but MLS players caved in faster than a balsa wood house in a category five hurricane in the recent MLSCBA negotiations. I’ve seen Charmin toilet paper that was harder than the MLS players’ union negotiators. I’ve had tougher negotiations with a five year-old over chocolate chip cookies. That kid caved by the way and not only ate his broccoli but mine too while I ate his cookies in front of him, but I digress.

I knew this negotiation was going to be a breeze but I expected at least a tiny bit of a backbone from the players but I guess it’s true what they say about soccer players, they flop and go down easy. An MLS strike ends before the regular season was even due to start? Ha! Obviously we’re going to wait for a little while to release all the details, after all, there’s the proper gloating period we 1%ers have to observe. The major negotiation point being free agency granted at twenty-eight years old and(/or) eight years of service in the league. Eight years? (chuckles) I’ve got liquor that’s going to age fully before most MLS players will get their free agency. The only real kind of free agency an MLS player will get is if he gets cut, am I right? Those that get their free agency after the eight year period, don’t forget to file for your pension at the same time.

So, the owners, my fellow top tax bracket brethren they be, are chuckling their derrieres off at the ease of these negotiations back in the smoky, dark rooms where we plot to run things. I use the term negotiations in their loosest sense because this was more like schoolboys sitting there and being told a lecture. Boy, did they lap it up too. Almost hated to break it to ’em that the general public doesn’t really care about dumb things like “fair salaries” or “workers’ rights.” Almost. You want a fair salary, boys? Go work at a carnival. Does my heart, and my bank account, a world of good when I see fans say things like “they need to negotiate a deal for the good of the league,” “players are lucky the owners wanted to invest in thew first place,” etc. That’s right, lackeys, go dance for the crowd. Nobody really wants to pay you anything of real worth. Unless you’re a star. We’ll throw a handful of them a bone to give the illusion of wealth but in the mean time it’s entertain us, gladiator. Go worry about your injuries and insurance and all that other stuff on your own time.

Just agree and sign, suckers

How about the sixty thousand minimum salary too? Could be worse, players. You could’ve been a social worker or a teacher. Well, maybe you should check the fine print, you just might be in the off season. Anyway, one of my colleagues said that these negotiations against the MLS players were like leading lambs to the slaughter but I had to tell him that lambs are actually better when they’re kept alive in a flock while they’re duped into thinking they live free lives. The most insidious prison is the one where the inmates don’t even know they’re in it. Hell, some of ’em willingly ask to enter it too. Ignorance is bliss, suckers.

Well, I’ve rambled enough and both you and my five hundred bottle of scotch are boring me at this point. Think I’ll just go pour it into the toilet. But you guys make sure to tune into the MLS opening matches this weekend. I would be doing the same but I have to go down to St. Bart’s and pick up my mega-yacht. If I find the time I might stream a game or two on the satellite but then again, I may be neck deep in ladies of the Hungarian noblesse gallivanting around the Caribbean too. Now be you gone, proles, I’ve had enough of your bourgeois stench for the week.

 

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Email this to someone

Message From An MLS CBA Negotiator

Good day, everyone. My name is Griff Cheatum and I am a lawyer for the famous law firm, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe. A law firm one of my relatives helped start and got their first big break when they helped negotiate the sale of Manhattan from the Canarsee Indians for twenty-four dollars and some sea shells and trinkets. We also helped negotiate the deal that purchased Alaska from Russia for far less than what it’s value ended up being. What’s Russian for “suckers?”

There’s countless other deals where we’ve brokered fantastic deals for clients as well. Hell, we even almost made off with the New York Mets with one of our former associates, Bernie Madoff, a few years ago. Guy was just a few months away from bleeding that team completely dry. You think his name was really Madoff? Heh, suckers like you are born every day. Madoff? Like “made off?” That was just some shady, scheister lawyer humor. Guy’s name was really Bernie Pratt. Nice fellow that Bernie was. Took orders well. Anyway, point is, wherever there’s been some shady deals and people making out like bandits, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe has been there.

With this vast experience of fleecing people and completely dominating negotiations in mind, it’s no wonder that Don Garber and our myriad of NFL-backed friends have sought fit to employ us as negotiators in the current MLS CBA negotiations. I would wonder what people really thought of our initial CBA offer of free agency after ten years of service but I was too busy cashing my large check and lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills in my Wednesday Ferrari. Yes, we really do that kind of stuff and yes, I have a Ferrari for every day of the week.

Even that original free agency offer was generous, if you ask me. If it were up to me I would’ve offered free agency when you turn seventy unless you’re still alive, then it would’ve turned into a sliding scale of free agency granted the day after you die. Even then your rights would’ve been held by a club for five years. But your headstone or urn containing your ashes could be sold on eBay and have freedom of movement though.

Alas, it wasn’t up to me exclusively, so free agency is on the table within a player’s career and may end up being as low as twenty-five eventually. Okay, we’ll agree to that if you guys mean in dog years! Ha. Good luck with bargaining against the behemoth we are at Dewey, Cheatum and Howe. By the time we get finished with the players and negotiations, they’ll be paying us to play in MLS. After all, I’ve been told by those in power in US soccer that there’s a “pay-to-play” system which has been a time honored tradition in this country. Sounds good to us, since I’ve never seen something or someone I haven’t tried to bill. The players will be lucky to remain getting minimum wage level salaries. But only if you played very well for a club over several years. “Club,” heh heh.

They should be working for below minimum wage and tips like any good servant. Did I say “servant?” I meant “server.” Like any good server. Here’s your first tip, players, don’t bet on a three-legged race horse and don’t get in a negotiation with Dewey, Cheatum and Howe representing your opponents. We’ll win, we’ll win big and leave you with the bill. Because, remember, even if the players “win” in this current CBA, you suckers are the ones who’ll end up with more expensive tickets, travel costs, team jerseys and shoes, etc. If a player’s lucky enough, maybe in a few years they can save up enough money to take out their sweetheart to a nice coat and tie dinner provided she agrees to split the bill with the guy. And it’s coupon night. And you’re wearing a coat and tie to a Subway.

Point is, the players should be working for low wages and tips to help the valiant owners maximize profit on their investments. Childhood hunger? Terrorism? Nay, I say if you want to hear about a real dangerous threat to the world, it’s MLS owners’ ROI and profit margins being cut into by pesky things like “fair salaries” and that is the real scourge of society, if you ask me.

Things are getting tough out there for millionaires and billionaires, especially when they see our bills from Dewey, Cheatum and Howe. So, good luck with that CBA, kids, because we’re coming to play hardball in this CBA. By the way, that’ll be fifteen hundred dollars for my billable hours for you reading this and now if you’ll excuse me, there’s some low to medium income people I need to cheat out of their property. I love you, imminent domain!

Dewey, Cheatum and Howe’s MLS CBA List of Demands
1. Start paying the owners to play soccer.
2. Cease and desist from any usage of terms “football,” “footballer and “beautiful game.” Football is American football, specifically, the NFL.
3. Bow to Robert Kraft in all meetings and never look him directly in the eye as you are his inferior.
4. Make MLS more Americanized with points for corner kicks, getting into the penalty area (known henceforth as “the scorebox”), and who has the largest tifo.
5. Be patient as MLS grows and maybe in two hundred years the league will be financially stable enough to institute promotion and relegation. And of course, by promotion and relegation we mean, promotion of more rich owners to ownership positions and relegation of you the fans to nothing more than being merchandise consumers.

 

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Email this to someone