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FA Cup Nuggetz!!

Are you ready for some knockout football?! Arguably one of the most prestigious team competitions in the world begins tomorrow. Well, the 3rd Round, aka “The FA Cup proper,” begins tomorrow, anyway. It’s called FA Cup proper, not because MC Hammer is involved but because the Premier League sides enter the tournament following the several qualification rounds and the opening two rounds where the League Two and League One sides enter.

Everybody loves the cups, especially the FA Cup. Well, except for Paul Lambert. Senile Scot besmirches hallowed English competition story on BBC1!

Wait, what? Where was I? Anyway, everybody loves the cups, especially the FA Cup, since it’s direct knockout football/soccer and lends itself to intriguing fixtures and multitudes of upsets as struggling sides in the Premier League and lower league sides are afforded the opportunity to go for broke and take the scalps of giants.

Why do I call the picks “Nuggetz?” Because, they’re tasty little morsels that may or may not leave a good taste in your mouth. It’s spelled with a “z,” because by rules of the interwebz everything spelled with a “z” on the end is kewler, amirite?!

With that, to the picks!

Disclaimer: These are mostly jokes. If you don’t get them, please go to an outlet store and get a sense of humor.

Blackburn Rovers-Manchester City
It was once rumored that €iteh’s Mansour bin Zayed Al-Nahyan was going to buy Blackburn Rovers initially but backed out of the deal when he learned that the Rovers were not referring to Mars rovers and thus decided to push once-upon-a-time regular crowd shots of Oasis to the background by dropping zillions of dollars and buying the Noisy Neighbor Manchester Club. Success has followed since that time if albeit in fits and starts but the Citizens are seemingly everyone’s current title favorites because… um, money and they score goals for fun at home. However, they’re on the road in this tie but I doubt the Mars Rovers, erm, I mean Blackburn Rovers will offer much a challenge once €iteh get into gear.

Manchester City 11, Blackburn Rovers 3

Nouchâteau Unité-Clwb Pêl-droed Dinas Caerdydd
Who the Hell are these two clubs you might ask? Well, Nouchâteau Unité, is Newcastle United in half-assed French whilst Clwb Pêl-droed Dinas Caerdydd is Cardiff City FC in Welsh. After years of a contentious Arsène Wenger relationship by Alan Pardew, Pardew had an epiphany awhile back and went with the if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em philosophy and decided to turn Newcastle United into Arsenal Francophile club 2.0. The man even went so far as to rebrand himself as Alain Pardieu and was going to unveil a quenelle celebration if Les Merles had defeated Arsenal in their recent match but luckily Nicolas Anelka’s travails saved Alain Pardieu some deep blushes. Cardiff City has recently hired Olé Gooner Solshire as recently as yesterday, though the former “Baby-Faced Assassin” was seen sitting next to Insane-o Vincent Tan during the Dragonbirds match against Arsenal on Wednesday. Didn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out he was 99.9% going to be hired. Once Solshire hits puberty, he’s going to be a helluva manager… seriously, the man is forty and looks like he’s going on 15.

Nouchâteau Unité trois, Clwb Pêl-droed Dinas Caerdydd dau

Woolwich Wanderers-Middlesex Rovers
Totteringham Sp*rs fans love to carp that Arsenal are “Woolwich” and belong in South London and that Sp*rs are the only true North London EPL side. Which is hilarious because that’s the kind of stuff you rely on when you last won the league when television was black and white and it was also curiously right before Totteringham itself became North London rather than Middlesex. So, at least one club in the North London Derby has always been in London. But that’s history and history is where Liverpool fans live, so let’s move on. Tim Sherwad is apparently the second coming of Harry Redknapp which means he’ll win all of one trophy. Or none actually, since that last Sp*rs trophy was won by Juande Ramos who was run out of town, London that is rather than Middlesex, for the crime of being able to ingest lasagna without getting dysentery which is the largest taboo in Totteringham. Meanwhile, Woolwich are no doubt hurriedly trying to cobble together “Frankenstriker” from the body parts of long lost Arsenal greats. You think I’m kidding? We’ll see who’ll last laugh when 8’3″ Thierry van Smithwrightkamp starts at center forward on Saturday!

Middlesex 2, Woolwich 1, number of times Middlesex Sp*rs invoke “North London power shift” 4,573

Derby County-Chelski
The Special One is more prolific at scoring zingers in his pressers lately than Chelsea’s middling strikers have been since Didier Drogba left Stamford Bridge. However, Chelsea’s dynamic midfield players have picked up the burden, as in the past, but now the goals mainly come from Eden Hazard, which is code for “the moment before the serpent tempts Eve with original sin,” and not Frank Lampard, which is Anglo-Saxon for “deflected free kick goal.” Despite being on the road and despite the Cup being prone to upsets, I don’t see how Derby can ram more goals past Chelski than the Blues can past Derby. At least Derby has the ability to say every match they play is a “Derby match.” Wakka wakka wakka!

Chelski 5, Derby 1

Liverpool-Oldham Athletic
Liverpool is flying high  at the moment with Luís Suarez’s EPL-leading 243 goals. Even without R&B midfielder, Stevie G, the Reds have picked up points at rates not seen since they last won the league nearly a quarter of a century ago. But I bet we can all guess how many times Liverpool has won the European Cup since that’s what Kopites love to shout. Meanwhile, Oldham Athletic was named after the leftover holiday ham that is torn up and made into casseroles and pies just before it spoils. They tacked Athletic on to the name in honor of the little dance you do when you bring spoiled ham to the garbage can trying to avoid most of the smell as possible. This technique helped Oldham players work on their footwork and become more athletic, hence the name. Spoiled ham is the story of a ham that was once great and that’s where Liverpool is at their best- talking about the past.

Liverpool 4, Oldham 0

Manchester United-Swansea City
Alex Ferguson’s hand-picked successor, David Moyles, has been having a rough go of it of late, despite recently reeling off four straight wins. Moyles can’t be faulted because in this day and age when you have the likes of Robin van Persie, Wayne Rooney, Javier “Chicharito” Hernández, Danny Welbeck, Shinji Kagawa and Adnan Januzaj to grace your attack, a brother just can’t be expected to win. Looking at that list and the price tags on them it’s just a miracle a penny pinching club like Man U hasn’t fallen down to the lower leagues. But much like the plastic that makes up their alleged 600 million worldwide fans, Man U is durable and is a big enough club they can survive many of their gloryhunter plastic fans jumping ship to hotter, en vogue clubs such as Southampton, Chelsea, and any club that wins their most recent game. Swansea were once the upcoming “second team,” i.e. a lot of fans’ second club they didn’t mind seeing win but have seen been eclipsed in that category by Southampton due in part to Swansea basically being on holiday since winning the League Cup last year.

Glory Glory Man U Plastic Club 3, Swansea Second Sity 1

the rest of the matches:

Barnsley-Coventry City
Barnsley shalt not Coventry your neighbor’s wife!
Barnsley 1, Coventry 0

Yeovil Town-Leyton Orient
Yeovil Reddenbacher makes delicious popcorn even if it leaves Leyton butter residue on your fingers after eating.
Leyton Orient 2-Yeovil Town 1

Click the red box to the right to read on (more bad jokes are on the way).

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